How Harry SHOULD Vanquish the Dark Side
by EldestMushroom
Summary: How I think Harry should destroy Voldemort. Forget the prophecy, hello Plan Annoy Voldie! Rated PG13 cause I feel like it. oh, and I started writing this before the 6th book came out and I'm gonna keep writing it like that book never came out. Why? cuz it
1. AntiDepressants and selfhelp books

_A/N: These characters and general setting and plot are not mine. They belong to J.K. Rowling. _

_Remember, don't sue I don't own anything. Except for my cool remix lamp. But that's another story..._

_And now, without further ado,_

**How Harry Vanquished the Dark Side**

**Chapter 1-Death Eater Count: 146 humans and 1 snake**

It was Harry's 16th birthday and the Dursley's had given him a present. That present was...NOTHING!! Wow, what a surprise. So, the usual lack of celebration had made time for Harry to think about his problems, organized his emotions and rampage through the house looking for Uncle Vernon's supply of anti-depressants (which he found) and Aunt Petunia's Anger Management Self-Help book (which he read). Thankfully, he wasn't caught, due to the fact that both uncle and cousin were in the hospital as part of a study on the extremely obese. Petunia, being in shock that her loving men were fat, locked herself up in Harry's old cupboard-under-the-stairs. She had taken to eating spiders and woke up one morning with Super Spider Powers. Harry had only seen her in the tabloids since.

So, since he was feeling so much better about himself, Harry began to devise a plan. After 19.64 straight hours of staring at a blank sheet of paper he realized that he would never have the guts to kill the guy who killed his parents. So he gave up.

**THE END!**

_A/N: Just Kidding! Do you really think I would end there? Back to the story..._

"Lets see," said, not thought, to himself (the self-help book had talked about saying what you thought out loud so now Harry talked to himself constantly) "If I can't kill him directly, maybe I can kill him indirectly...HE COULD KILL HIMSELF!! I'm a genius!" So the Boy Who Thought All His Problems Were Over stood there with his hands on his waist looking out into space with a silly grin on his face, the picturesque superhero. After a few seconds of complete stupidity, the grin faded and his shoulders slumped.

"He's never going to kill himself," poor Harry sighed. So he dragged himself upstairs, sat on his bed and...

"I'VE GOT IT!!" Harry screamed so loudly that Aunt Petunia, who was currently spying on her arch-nemesis Spiderman (Tobey Maguire filming Spiderman 3) could hear him with the aid of her supersonic hearing. "I CAN ANNOY HIM SO MUCH HE CAN'T STAND IT SO HE KILLS HIMSELF!!!!! I really am a genius!" And with that statement, our scarred hero climbed on top of his bed and resumed his super hero stance.

Petunia's Story

SuperSpiderGirl was crouched on a roof top, completely aware of her surroundings which included the dreaded SPIDERMAN!!

'Look at him, standing there in that irresistibly tight bodysuit, cameras all around. How dare they film him but not the scantily clad SuperSpid-

"I'VE GOT IT!!" a voice screamed at the top of its lungs. Who the voice belonged to was a mystery to her but its results affected her not so raging, unteenage hormones. When she next saw Spiderman, she-

_A/N: This is how I'm ending Petunia's Story and how I'll end it every chapter. I'll update when I get 3 reviews. Yes, I know, I'm so demanding. Just please review!! -gives puppy dog eyes- Pretty Please??_


	2. 2 random concussions in a row

_A/N: I GOT REVEIWS!! YEAH!! Me very happy. So, any who, here's the disclaimer._

_The characters, setting and other such like it belong to the writing goddess (me!! jk,) J.K. Rowling. The minor plot was inspired by Mugglenet's 101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort. (Thank you Alexa, I completely forgot to put that in the disclaimer.) And now, I continue the insanity._

**How Harry Vanquished the Dark Side**

**Chapter 1-Death Eater Count: 146 humans and 1 snake**

When we last left our crazed hero, he was standing with his hands on his hips, staring off into space with a goofy smile on his face (hereafter known as the hero stance) on top of his bed. Well he had fallen asleep and after waking, he then directly proceeded to spend all his waking hours plotting ways to make Voldemort kill himself. He had his schoolbooks delivered by owl order (which took up five minutes of his precious time), didn't eat for two weeks when he thought he was onto something. He thought wrong. For the entire summer after thinking of his initial plan, he plotted and came up with ideas like

-He could avada kedavra himself for no apparent reason. (Like when would he do that?)

-I could stand behind him while he's standing in front of a mirror then he could avada kedavra into the mirror and end up killing himself. (Or it would hit me…never mind!)

-I could Imperio him into killing himself. (Yeah, when I can finally do an unforgivable curse. NEVER.)

-I CANT THINK OF ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Voldemort buddy o'le pal, don't take me up on that offer. 

So, as you can see, our scarred hero who gives us hints that all those anti-depressants as given him slight brain damage was a bit desperate for a plan. That's why he hit his head so hard against the wall that he was knocked out.

When he next woke up, Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. Hermione and Ron were sitting on either side of him with Ginny across the table.

"Woah, how did I get here?" Harry asked in shock. "One minute I was banging my head against the wall because I couldn't think of a plan and now I'm here, what happened??"

"Shaeoi lkshdo oshgo rgoh hhho" said Ron, whose mouth was full of who knows what.

"What he means is," replied Hermione, glaring at Ron for attempting to speak with his mouth full, "That the writer of this absurd fan fiction, which shouldn't even be considered writing at all, couldn't think of anything for you to do during that entire train ride so she developed a pathetic excuse-"

"Ok, ok, we get the point," said Ron hurriedly, after swallowing his food. Harry, however, was deep in thought.

"So, our lives are controlled by a single person who finds mental torture amusing? Interesting…" He muttered. Ginny spoke for the first time that evening.

"What do you mean, mental torture?" She asked fearfully. "I don't want to be tortured!!"

"Oh, I doubt you'll be," replied Harry. "I'm pretty sure this writer only likes to torture me and Voldemort… THAT'S IT!!!" Harry leapt up from the table, hitting his knee very hard in the process. "Ow!!!"

"What's it, Harry?" asked the two Weasley's and the long term future Mrs. Weasley to be. All four Gryffindors leaned into each other.

"I know how to kill Voldemort!" Harry whispered. When his friends gasped, a mad glint appeared in his eye and he leapt up (without hitting his knee) and did something very predictable. He jumped onto the table and attained his hero stance.

**Petunia's Story**

_A/N: I do not think that Toby Maguire (the actor who plays Spiderman) is sexy. I do not find him at all attractive. I just think Petunia should. _

(When she next saw Spiderman, she-) –swooned. The man was so incredibly attractive! How could she, the one and only SuperSpiderGirl, think that he was her enemy? He was muscular; he was…KISSING KIRSTEN DUNST!! All of a sudden she knew who her REAL arch enemy was.

"Spiderman is mine, you evil American fake!! I'll get you my pretty, if it's the last thing I do!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

SuperSpiderGirl's maniacal laughing that the director of Spiderman 3 had to cut the kissing scene and have someone throw a large rock the superhero formerly known as Petunia Dursley. It knocked her out. How convenient for the writer who is out of ideas.

Teehee.

_A/N: Hope you liked it! Thanks to all my reviewers, this time my requirement is, umm, how about, 7 reviews! That's one more than I got last time. (Flames, though welcome and funny to read, don't count.) Oh! Speaking of flames…_

_DEFINITION OF MORTAL- a human who is subject to death. _

_Harry can die and he has magical powers…_

_May I also remind you that this is fantasy, and in fantasy, anything can happen, even making mortals have super powers. So far out, I know…_

_Now that that's done, press the little review button in the left hand corner of your screen. You know what to do from there!! _


	3. Draco is Harry's Friend?

_A/N: yay! I'm back! From multiple "vacations" aka visiting relatives. Ugh. Well, anywho, I'm back and I'm still making fun of Harry. Post Ootp Harry that is. It's a lot harder to make fun of post HBP Harry. So I'm gonna keep writing this like HBP didn't come out ok? Ok!_

_Disclaimer: don't own, don't sue. Get it? Got it. Good. _

**How Harry Vanquished the Dark Side**

**Chapter 3- Death Eater Count: 146 humans and 1 snake**

For the second time, we have left our, well I guess you could call him a hero, standing on the table, once again in his hero stance. Hmmm, I'm sensing a pattern beginning to start. His friends, after turning a shade of red named by Crayola Fire Engine red, pulled him violently off the table, resulting in yet another concussion on Harry's part. Again, this concussion seems to correlate exactly with the all powerful author's spouts of writers block. Hmm, is that another pattern I sense?

Harry woke up in his normal four poster bed, having been rejected by the infirmary for insurance reasons. (Turns out that when you have two concussions in one chapter, your insurance company rejects you. Who knew?) He was surrounded by his friends, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Draco…wait, Draco?

_Here the story pauses for a battle between the author and a fictional character that the author didn't even make up. _

All Powerful Author: What the heck are you doing! I said, "Surrounded by his _friends!"_ You are most defiantly not Harry's friend.

Draco: what if I had a change of heart over the summer?

APA: but you don't! The 6th book already came out and we know that you didn't have a random change of heart.

Draco: _looks up_ but you just said that you were going to keep writing this like HBP didn't come out.

APA: oh yeah…But that still doesn't explain how you're in Gryffindor Tower. Even if you did have a random change of heart you'd still be in Slytherin.

Draco: I could've begged Dumbledore to get me away from the "short term future evil wizards to be!"

APA: but Dumbledore…oh wait, the whole HBP thingy. Hmmm…_is stumped by Draco's logic. _I guess it could work…Wait, I'm the All Powerful Author, right? So don't you have to do what I say no matter what?

Draco: Well, that's how it works in original fiction. In fan fiction, the rules are a bit different. Since you didn't create us, the characters, we don't really feel that desperate need to do whatever you say.

APA: so basically what you're saying is that you won't listen to me.

Draco: yeah, basically. Unless you found a good reason for me not to be Harry's friend, I'm going to be.

APA: _looks through notes_. You know, I probably shouldn't be telling you this but Harry's going to "sacrifice you to the cause." Just a heads up.

Draco: WHAT! HOW DARE HE! And I thought we were friends….

APA: Actually, you were never-

Draco: I can't believe this! He just made himself a powerful

APA: _cough_notsopowerful_cough_

Draco: enemy!

_Draco storms out of Gryffindor Tower and the All Power Author, after laughing her head off and screwing it back on, returns to the story. _

He was surrounded by his friends, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. They were all looking at Harry like he had an oddly shaped scar on his forehead.

All characters in the room: HE DOES!

APA: oh, right…

They were all looking at him with an expression of both curiosity and concern.

"How are you feeling?" asked Hermione fearfully.

"I just got two concussions in one chapter and got rejected by my insurance company and I have a really good feeling that I'm gonna need my insurance soon. How do you think I feel?" Harry replied grumpily.

"Who cares how you feel, I just wanna know how you're gonna defeat Voldemort!" said Ron excitedly, pointedly ignoring the dark look his sister gave him.

"Oh yeah!" said Harry, forgetting all about his evil insurance company. He cleared his throat dramatically, did the best he could to attain his hero stance while lying down and opened his mouth to tell his friends his plan. "I forgot…again. Darn it!"

"What do you mean, again!"

"Well, every time I get a concussion, I forget my plan…"

"Oh, that sucks."

"Tell me about it…" so Harry pondered and tried to remember what his master plan was. But watching four people sit motionless for three hours straight is boring so we're gonna skip ahead.

------Three Hours Later------

Harry had been attempting (and failing) to remember his plan to kill Voldemort for exactly three hours straight (because we're pretending that all classes are canceled this year unless they are huge plot points) when a disembodied voice floated across the room.

"Psst, Harry! I know your plan!" Harry moved for the first time since he started thinking, spinning his head so fast that he gave himself whiplash.

"Who are you? Where are you? And how do you know my plan?" he asked wonderingly, still looking aimlessly for the source of the disembodied voice. Obviously, he was having no luck, hence the word 'disembodied.'

"Who am I? I am a disembodied voice. Where am I? Ask Hermione to tell you what disembodied means. How do I know your plan? Does it really matter? You should just be happy someone can remind you. Now, do you have anymore idiotic questions to ask me or do you want to know the plan?" replied the voice irritably.

"I have more" Harry started to reply but Hermione silenced him with a flick of her wand. Upon discovering the nature of the spell Hermione had cast, Harry crossed his arms and pouted pathetically.

"He wants to know the plan," said Hermione sweetly.

"Good. The plan was to annoy Voldemort until he killed himself because Harry doesn't have the guts to kill his parents." There was an awkward pause. Ron decided to be the first to break it.

"Well, that seems pretty smart actually. Voldemort will never see that coming."

Hermione and Ginny just exchanged a look that said _Boys are stupid…throw rocks at them. _

Then, courtesy of the author, two rocks tlew out of nowhere and hit Harry and Ron on the head.

"Ow…"

_A/N: ok, so I wrote this on the 8 hour drive to New York. Yes its stupid, yes its boring. Deal. Actually, deal by reviewing and telling me how awful it is! That would make my day. _


	4. Lots and lots of filler

_A/N: So yeah, I have homework to do and no will to do it. So I'll do what macgenius does and write this instead. _

**How Harry Vanquished the Dark Lord**

**Death Eater Count: 133 humans (Voldemort was bored yesterday) and 1 snake**

So. Harry had finally remembered his plan, courtesy of a certain disembodied voice and Hermione and Ginny had finally gotten to see rocks thrown at boys because they were being stupid. Now, they were in potions class where SNAPE was teaching and was, like always, being evil. (Like I mentioned in the last chapter, I'm writing this as though HBP didn't come out.)

"Open your books to the last page. Do you see that insanely long and complicated potion that my NEWT level students couldn't even do? Well, you're not going to make that potion. You're going to throw your books in your cauldron and attempt to burn them using only flobberworm flobber and some of Neville's nose hair. If you don't burn it, I take of 500 points from Gryffindor for incompetence. If you burn it, I take off 500 points from Gryffindor for destruction of school property. Any questions?"

Surprisingly enough, Snape hadn't lost his breath while saying that whole speech and had maintained enough control on his Maniacal Eye Glint Syndrome (MEGS) to still looks freakishly evil instead of just insane. Lucky for him he had taken his "pills" today. Unlucky for him, his students had stupid questions and stupid questions made the "pills" wear off quickly.

"What if you're not in Gryffindor?" asked one Hufflepuff whose name and life are not important now and never will be important.

"Your name and life are not important now and never will be important so shut up."

The Hufflepuff whose name and life are not important now and never will be important went and sat in a corner and cried. Snape couldn't care less.

As expected, Hermione's hand was also up. She had already succeeded in burning her book even though it is physically impossible to ignite a heavy potions text book with only flobberworm flobber and some of Neville's nose hair.

"Do we get points for burning our books before you're done answering questions?" she asked hopefully. Next to her, Ron rolled his eyes. It seemed as though he had learned the one thing that Hermione had not: Never bee hopeful in Snape's class.

Snape opened his mouth to answer "No," in a very terse and irritated voice but before the words got all the way out of his mouth, he thought of a better reply so he shut it again with a snap. (I don't know why he snapped his fingers when he closed his mouth, he just did. Perhaps it's a symptom of MEGS.) Then he realized what a foolish thing closing your mouth was when you had something you wanted to say so he opened it again. Unfortunatly, when thinking about how stupid it was to close his mouth, Snape forgot his better reply.

So he closed his mouth again.

Then he remembered and opened it again.

But then he forgot and closed it.

Remembered and opened.

Forgot and closed.

Remembered and opened.

Forgot and closed.

Remembered and opened.

This went on for quite a long time so finally Snape just uttered a terse and irritated "No," like he had intended to in the first place and was about to turn back to his desk to plot ways to kill Harry Potter when he saw one more hand.

"Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak," he said, motioning in the direction of the raised hand.

"Sir, I was just wondering. How did you get some of my nose hairs?"

To this, Snape decided it would be best not to reply so he ignored Neville and sat down at his desk and read the latest issue of _Evil Teachers Inc._ magazine. This was the Famous Last Words issue.

But enough about Snape. Back to Harry.

Harry was sitting at his desk looking at his book, flobberworm flobber and nose hairs. He was wondering many things at the moment. How Hermione had gotten her book to burn, why Snape was so darn maniacal at times, who decided that busywork was a good way to get kids to learn, and why Ron thought his boogers tasted so good. Harry had tried them and they certainly didn't taste like chicken.

But most of all, Harry was wondering how to annoy Voldemort to death. Literally (But you knew that already).

He had pulled out the notebook he plotted Voldemort's demise in (also known as the Plotting Notebook) and the quill he plotted Voldemort's demise in (also known as the Plotting Quill). Upon opening the Plotting Notebook, a multitude of scratching out's, jumbled words and doodles were revealed. The scratching out's and jumbled words were quite normal and therefore too boring to tell you but the doodles were something else. Most of them included himself, Voldemort, a certain history teacher with a goatee named McGowen, a greasy haired boy of uncertain sexuality named Nate and Zeus with his gigantic lightning bolts. Quite a few of those gigantic lightning bolts actually- 1638366.235 to be exact. At this point in time, Harry noticed a rather different doodle in the bottom left hand corner of the page, turned slightly very red and turned the page, thus disallowing me, the all powerful author to chronicle to you anymore contents of the page.

On the blank sheet of paper he had turned to, Harry started to write things like _Hire a musician for him, _or_ squint a lot_ and a bunch of other stupid little things like that. It was then that Ron looked over, realized that Harry was terrible at trying to annoy people (he had to be spontaneous about it or else he was merely irritating), and decided to take matters into his own hands. He was about to seize the Plotting Notebook from Harry's very idiotic and fairly chunky hands when Snape decided to come back into the chapter.

Snape had gotten inspired by his issue of _Evil Teacher Inc _and had vowed to get some of his own students into next years Famous Last Words issue. He had made his targets the trio.

Like that was any surprise.

So being the evil teacher that his was, Snape ripped the Plotting Notebook (though he couldn't of possibly known it was title that) out of Harry's rather sweaty grip without tearing it and looked at the first page. The first thing he noticed was the little doodle in the bottom left hand corner, turned slightly very red and decided to leave the chapter again.

At this point in time, Ron actually does seize the Plotting Notebook and takes over the whole operation, the all powerful author decides that this is enough for one chapter and big-box stores decide to stop being a controversy because no one really cares about them anymore.

**Petunia's chapter! (extra long because I forgot her last time)**

So we last saw Petunia in the midst of the Amazon rainforest. Actually no we didn't but I got bored with the Spiderman crap. So just accept the fact that Petunia killed Kirsten Dunst, got over Spiderman and moved to the rainforest. If you don't like it- deal. Get it got it good.

So like I said, we last saw Petunia in the midst of the Amazon rainforest. She was building a home for herself out of spider legs from spiders that had willingly given them up to her SuperSpiderGirl-ness. Ish. Anyway, her house was now finished and all she wanted to do was eat something other than the hair's she had picked off the legs. So Petunia decided to go hunting.

Hunting in the Amazon rainforest is a life changing experience for anyone who has already had a life changing experience (for anyone whose life hasn't had a life changing experience, it's the same as a walk in the park except hotter, wetter and entirely more life threatening). In the jungle, one can catch exotic and native prey such as piranhas, those funky smelling flowers, many different types of snakes and cats, and weathermen. One this particular occasion, Petunia was having absolutely no luck at all and could only catch weatherman, particularly of the fat and annoying variety. She considered sending them to Harry but then she forgot who Harry was and the idea was abandoned.

In all reality (or sur-reality as this story might be classified as), this was a completely waste of three paragraphs.

Next time we see Petunia, she will be somewhere else and more exciting than the Amazon rainforest.

_A/C (Author's Commercial): This chapter has been brough to you by RENT, _Evil Teachers Inc_ and that little sticker that comes on bananas._


	5. The story actually starts! sorta

_Disclaimer: don't own harry potter- jk rowling does. Don't own mugglenet either- emerson does. So yeah. Ya'll know I don't own anything 'cept a computer (obviously), and a cell phone. Oh wait, I don't own that last one either… _

_A/N: Now remember, this chapter begins with Ron taking over the whole operation. Why? Because Harry is an idiot and isn't very funny while Ron is very funny and I like him better. Why do I like him better? Because anyone with the last name of Weasley and who has red hair is automatically coolio like that. Yes I know that Weasley's and red hair are practically synonyms but… crap, I forgot where I was. Ah yes, this chapter begins with Ron taking over the whole operation…_

**How Harry Vanquished the Dark Side**

**Death Eater Count: 99 humans (Voldemort was in a bad mood…) and 1 snake**

Ron was taking over the whole operation. Well, he was the brains of the project, Hermione figured out ways to make his crazy plans work and Harry was the figure head and carried them out. That way if someone got killed, it was likely to be Harry and no one was likely to care all that much.

We now join our "hero's" in the Gryffindor common room because they have taken a liking to changing the setting randomly from chapter to chapter. Ron was busy using the laptop that Hermione had fixed so that it hooked up with the world wide web, Hermione was busing doing homework for the entire trio even though she had told them many times that she would never do their homework for them, and Harry was busy practicing variations on his hero stance and his running away while screaming like a little girl techniques.

Harry was failing miserably.

Ron and Hermione however were succeeding miserably (This means that while they were succeeding in their specified tasks, they were both feeling miserable; Hermione because she was not with Ron and Ron because he had finished his last éclair and would have to stop his work to get another one). Ron had just found a website called mugglenet that seemed to have done his work, or rather Harry's, for him. Ron diligently printed out all 101 Ways to Annoy Voldemort and headed down to the kitchen to bring back more éclairs.

Hermione kept on doing homework, Harry kept practicing the "Lost Arts."

Nothing else really exciting happened until Ron came back in, polishing off his sixteenth and final éclair. Hermione had just finished her sixteenth and final essay at the time.

That was the exciting part. Try to curb your enthusiasm.

-here the All Powerful Author decides to bring back the disembodied voice-

'DO SOMETHING!" shouted the disembodied voice.

Harry obliged. He picked his nose.

Luckily for a man named David Handler, the picking of Harry's nose triggered a series of events that are now considered 'unfortunate." Unfortunatly for the All Powerful Author, ideas are running low so now she will have to resort to a technique used by many science fiction writers: The Confuse-People-by-Using-as-Many-Scientific-Words-as-You-Can-in-One-Paragraph Technique.

Ron got Harry's attention by blasting him in the tibula/fibula region with his hydro super powered Nutronic Quantum Blaster 51184645000. Harry responded with a shrill battle cry of "Aeori Riouse Googggo Togeilgie" which means something very scary in another language I'm sure. Hermione decided to break up the fight before it began by strapping up a Double Triple PyroCleaic Bombing Bomb to her tight leather outfit that she had definitely not been wearing before and used her Sub-Cumulus-Scream-O-Matic to get there attention. Then the All Mighty Author used the power of the pen to get everything back to normal.

An air of calm settled around the room and perplexed Harry with its much lower density than the chaotic air that had preceded it.

Ron pulled the paper containing the plan out of the printer and held it aloft for everyone to see.

"BEHOLD!" he said, in his large booming voice "THE PLAN OF ACTION THAT WILL…" Hermione interrupted him with a cry of "Ron, please! We're done with the sci-fi paragraph! Turn off that Loud-a-tron for Christ's sake…"

Grumbling, Ron did what his future wife told him to- good practice for the years to come.

"Well, now that Hermione ruined the fun, I might as well just tell you that I found 101 ways to annoy Voldemort so now it's up to Hermione to come up with a way to execute each one. Here you go." He turned the pages over to Hermione who immediately came up with a plan to execute #1.

"So Harry, " she said, inserting one of those annoying lip smacks unnecessarily into the conversation "This is what you have to do…"

At this point in time, the All Powerful Author will now use one of those convenient trailing off into nothingness type situations.

**This story will continue after a short, Petunia Sponsored Story**

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Petunia. She hated her nephew Harry. So she died and the rest of the world lived happily ever after.

**Petunia's story will continue in the underworld**

**Now back to the Harry thingy…**

Harry was sitting in a death eater meeting, wearing some robes and a mask that looked very much like a certain cult. But enough about that. What the All Powerful Author should be writing is not about the clothing but about how the plan worked.

So number one had been "Ask him why he doesn't have such cool scar," and Hermione had no problem at all thinking of a way to execute it. It was simple. All Harry had to do was sit in on a death eater meeting and when Voldemort mentioned Harry, Harry would perform a complex charm that would give Harry complete control over what the death eater next to him would say (it's not the imperious curse. Trust me.) and the death eater next to him would ask the aforementioned question

Then Harry would get the hell outta there.

So Harry sat there and listened to Voldemort drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and I think you get the point about world domination. Surprisingly enough, Harry wasn't at all nervous that his arch enemy would find out who he was. It is a little known fact that people with red, slits for eyes are not only blind but deaf and dumb as well. Dumb as in the moronic and idiotic sense of the word.

Anyway, Harry was beginning to get bored with counting the number of times Voldemort said the word "like" (2534 per hour) and was beginning to fall asleep like many of the other death eaters were doing around him when the supreme lord of all things evil (and coconuts) finally mentioned the boy who lived.

"So yeah. If, like, you ever find Harry Potter, bring him to my alive cuz I, like, sooooo wanna kill him myself. Any questions?"

Upon hearing those words, Harry performed the complicated charm that Hermione had taught him and the unfortunate death eater next to him found himself suddenly awake and saying "Uh, like, I do! Why don't you have a coolio scar like that Harry dude?"

There was a shriek that sounded a lot like what Harry had been practicing in the previous section of this chapter, a flash of green light, and a bunch of maniacal, yet oh so cute, laughter.

I think you can figure out what happened for yourself.

After Voldemort stopped laughing, Harry was gone. But Voldemort didn't notice because he had other issues to attend to.

"Hey peeps! Can we get this icky dead body, like, outta here? It's sooo stifling my Zen, ya know? Now, next on the agenda: What flavor cupcakes should I make for the next banquet? I was, like, thinking, like, strawberry but that, like, wouldn't match my purple theme and, like, I did grape, like, last time! Like, I know- too much drama over, like, nothing but…"

At this moment, let us bow our heads in pity for the death eaters that were not dead.

Back in Hogwarts Castle, Harry was relaying the events of the evening to his Ron and Hermione.

"So then he talked about the color streamers they should use for Malfoy's surprise birthday and then it was all about the scent of paper they should use for the constitution and then…"

"Harry!" Ron and Hermione yelled in unison, "We don't care! Just tell us if he killed himself or not!"

"Fine," He said, flipping his hair out of his face in a very feminine way, "No. But he did kill the death eater I controlled, not using the imperious curse."

Hermione sighed. "It's a start," she said, resignedly.

"Oh good!" replyed Ron brightly, "but is it a start on the raspberry drizzle cake or the French Silk Pie? I really don't care which."

Here Ginny decides to appear because she has been totally left out since chapter 2.

"Hiya Harry!" she said then realized she had nothing else to say and popped back out of the chapter and joined Snape in the Staying out Of the Chapters until an Appropriate Time Club.

Then all the other characters, the setting, the slight bit of a plot, and anything else essential to this story decided to join as well. So now I have nothing to write about.

I apologize in advance for the next chapter.


End file.
